Each installment of Bad Online Deals. features a detailed analysis of one of the numerous terrible online deals and discounted products that Amazon features in their “Gold Box Deals” display area of their website.
These products are rarely a good deal (in price or in quality of item). And often they’re just super random and strange.
This toy set is perfect example.
It’s listed as the “Little Treasures Hurricane King Race Track Repair Center Play Set” which might be the least accurate or compelling title for a toy that a SEO-Blog-Writing-As-A-Third-Language copywriter could come up with.
I have a kid. I see and buy a lot of toys. I go to Target at least 3 to 4 times a week. And each trip requires an obligatory trip through the store’s toy aisles.
We walk through both the cheapie $1 to $3 junk/discount aisle right inside the store’s entrance as well as the retailer’s “main” toy aisles consisting of a dozen or so rows in the back of the store.
Bad Online Deals: Misleading Product Title – Rock You Like A Hurricane?!?
With that said, I’ve never in my toy shopping or browsing experience come across a toy brand called “Little Treasures.”
So, straight off, that brand name’s a bunch of made-up bullshit.
Next, “Hurricane King Race Track,” what in the fuck does this even mean?
I don’t see anything that indicates a goddamn hurricane its taking place.
Is the car named “Hurricane?” (spoiler: it is not, see below)
Is the track situated in a place like coastal Florida that is supposedly experiencing a hurricane at the time of this race that’s taking place? (fucking doubtful)
Is the track itself hurricane themed with little swirls of water, clouds, blowing palm trees, etc.? (nope, nope and fucking nope).
And where for the love of the Iron Throne and The Old Gods and The New is a king (or any royalty) featured or have anything to do with this pile of junk.
What in the hell is a Hurricane King?
Sounds like an honorary title you’d earn after getting a specific number of women to flash their breasts at you while riding on a Mardi Gras float or something.
Bad Online Deals: Misleading Product Title – My Car Is Dirty, Fix It!
Then you’ve got “Repair Center” which is completely inaccurate.
There’s a little structure built onto the race track with a billboard that reads “Repair Center.”
However, the only prominent features of this center are a carwash, a pair of gas pumps, and a row vending machines.
“Oh, hey, my car is dirty, out of gas, and I’m craving some Skittles. Do you guys do repairs here?”
Get the f out of here with that horse dung.
This isn’t a repair center it’s a CAR WASH.
You’re buying a Hurricane Racing set that takes place (and drives partially under the awning of) a car wash.
Bad Online Deals: Misleading Product Title – I’d Rather Play With A Set Of Dead Monkey Balls
Then there are the words “Play Set.”
It’s a car wash with a crappy yellow oval track. It doesn’t come with any racer or mechanic figurines. Or cones, oil cans or any other transit-related accoutrements that could be strewn about the tiny property.
This isn’t a play set.
It’s just a hunk of plastic that your kid will become bored with before he or she even gets it out of the packaging.
Bad Online Deals: Misleading Product Title – Bad Grammar & It’s Not Even A Car
Also in the title we have “Includes A Electric Racing Car.”
Two, it’s “An” electric car, you illiterate cyber trash purveyors.
Three, it’s not even a f*cking car. It’s a neon green mid-sized SUV with the word “Power” emblazoned on the hood and “Racing” jizzed out onto the side of the door.
Bad Online Deals: Misleading Product Title – Almost As Fun A Toy As Watching Fake Grass Grow
And, finally, the title ends with “Great Gift.”
Really? A great gift?
For whom? A blind kid with no arms you don’t like?
If you gave this thing to a kid in Somalia he’d throw it back in your face and tell you he’d rather play with a bowl of rice (because he’s starving) or one of the several AK-47s his family uses for home/hut protection and rival clan murdering purposes.
He wouldn’t even look twice at this lump of joyless turds.
Bad Online Deals: Misleading Product Title – WHY WOULD YOU NOT MENTION THE F-ING DINOSAUR IN THE TITLE?????
The only even remotely cool thing about this toy is that it’s a crappy race track featuring a green car being CHASED BY AN ORANGE T-REX DINOSAUR that is four or five times its size.
That’s the selling point of this toy: Giant Dino Escape Car Chase Set (That Also Happens To Be Taking Place Adjacent To Misnamed Car Wash).
That’s the sizzle and the steak right there.
Even in the one, single, lone product review this item has received (4 out of 5 stars, even though it was a promoted review where the customer received a discount for writing one) the only nice thing the reviewer could find to say about that product is that it was colorful and that IT HAD A F*CKING DINOSAUR.
Come on, people at Little Treasures and/or Amazon Prime.
It’s the goddamn dinosaur that makes this thing any kind of sellable product and you’re completely missing/ignoring this fact!
Get it together.
Bad Online Deals: 22 Bucks For This? GFTO
And, finally, even if you were to get a Magic Marker and write a better title on the box of this piece of junk and buy it, it’s going to set you back $24.99.
Or, $22.99 for the limited time that it’s on sale today in the Amazon “Gold Box” deal center.
Which is definitely not worth it.
I mean, just look at all of the awesome toys you can get for well under $25 on Amazon right now.
Either way, this stupid, non-dino-labled, dino race track set is a hard pass.
Deal zero percent claimed, indeed.